Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby, Part I

This topic has been occupying a lot of my mind lately, and not just because I am human and have instinctual impulses. No, my thoughts on the subject of sex have been more intellectual than physical. They come out of two situations I currently find myself in.

The first concerns my friend. I met David about two years ago because he worked with my best friend, Kay. They formed a deep friendship, so as it sometimes goes, their friendship carried over into ours. The three of us have spent most of the past year involved in a large and public project so I feel like he is an integral part of my family’s lives. Kay and David are Christians. More specifically, Southern Baptists. They are very involved in their faith, but I have a hard time pinning them down on admitting they share their denomination’s literal interpretation of the Bible.

So when I found out that David, at 35, was a virgin I was very surprised. He believes he is following his god’s commands by abstaining from sex until marriage. Of course I think this is crazy. Full-out mind-blowingly insane. But after my initial shock when I first found out, I really didn’t put much thought into it. Until now. You see, David is getting married this summer. To a woman he just met. To a woman I didn’t even know existed until weeks ago. To a woman who got a divorce LAST WEEK. To a woman who lives 400 miles away.

I am really upset about this situation, for I believe it to be a recipe for disaster. David thinks he is completely in love, and perhaps he is. He also believes that his god threw his fiancé in his path just like a lightning bolt because he prayed for a relationship. He believes their relationship is specially blessed and he will remain a virgin until their wedding night, even though that will be impossible for her.

I think David is horny and delusional. I think he has placed an unhealthy shield over his sexuality. I think marrying someone you don’t know intimately is ridiculous. Hell, after 35 years I doubt he knows his own sexuality, let alone doing the hard (but no denying fun) work of discovering hers. I fear for their future. I have discussed it thoroughly with Kay, who also believes they shouldn’t be getting married, but Kay, also being Christian, believes David and his fiancé’s faith will keep them together. I’m sad because I know that all the prayers in the world won’t save this marriage if they aren’t ready to do the necessary and hard work of getting to know and understand each other. Because I know exactly where all these prayers are headed.  Into thin air.

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About Brick Window

A mother and an atheist--Just trying to do the best I can in a suburb full of believers.
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8 Responses to Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby, Part I

  1. prosey says:

    Well honestly, I’m with you on the whole getting to know someone intimately before committing to a lifetime contract. On the one hand, I think it’s fine to be a virgin at 35 if that is what one’s heart guides them to do…*shrug* I don’t personally adhere to that philosophy, and have never demanded abstinence of my kids. I encourage it (because it is the surest way to prevent unplanned pregnancies & STDs), but I would rather that they have ALL the accurate information in front of them, so that whatever decision they make, it’s a fully informed decision.

    I have also encouraged both of the older kids that, when they are ready to make the adult decision of committing to another person (in terms of marriage or partnership), that I think “shacking up” is an intelligent choice. How do you know what you’re getting into without living with the person? How do you know you’re truly compatible? Marriage is enough work as it is when you ARE compatible and totally in love…people who think that life commitment relationships are easy have serious delusions going on. To think that love doesn’t take work is a fantasy. No two people share a brain, no matter how well they match up.

    My thoughts are with you as you worry over your friend. I would encourage you to not dwell on it, though…because he (and the fiance) are the only people who pay the consequences (for good or ill) for their choices. 🙂

  2. Brick Window says:

    Yes, you are right, and thank you for reminding me to be a compassionate person who tries to think outside of my ego. (And that’s NOT sarcasm.) If a person chooses to remain a virgin, than that should be honored.

    My problem is his reason. David is a virgin for one reason. (And yes, I have asked him.) He believes remaining a virgin until marriage makes him closer to his god. He found out his god wants this for him because he read it in a book. And I think his god is make-believe and that book is a two thousand year old collection of fairy tales and outdated regulations schlocked together in a vain attempt to control the masses. And his reason is getting in the way of his having the satisfying relationship he deserves.

    But yea, again you are right and I appreciate you saying so. I shouldn’t get my heart involved.

    I bet you are not surprised to hear that Part II will cover how I have been forced to deal with sex as a parent…

  3. Jay Walker says:

    I agree that it is David and his fiance are the ones who will have to learn and deal with what a committed relationship entails. As prosey said, no matter how well two people are suited to one another, no matter how much they love each other, relationships are HARD! They take an enormous amount of work to stay healthy. Knowing someone intimately (That doesn’t have to include sexually, but it should) before making a commitment is vital. Take if from someone who’s learned that the hard way, twice.

    If someone wants to stay a virgin until marriage, for whatever reason, that’s a personal choice. I don’t consider it particularly wise in the long run because sex (good, healthy sex) is way, way more important to the success of a long term relationship that most people think. If people don’t even understand their own sexuality then it becomes very hard to focus on their partners needs and desires. There is so much awkwardness and self-consciousness surrounding sex for most people as it is, to come into a relationship with no understanding of your sexuality and no comfort with it is a recipe for disaster.

    • Brick Window says:

      Sex IS important. I just couldn’t imagine marrying someone I didn’t know I was compatible with. I don’t see any reason someone should wait until after they are legally committed to find that out.

      Wait. I lie. I know the reason. God says so.

  4. Pingback: Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby, Part II | Brick Window

  5. Pingback: I’d Seen That Look Before | Brick Window

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