Before I begin, I would like to point out the link my new cyberfriend, Prosey, posted in the comments of yesterday’s post. I love this story because it’s 100% true. Read on and you will see an reaffirmation of her premise: “Don’t judge until you’ve been there. Even then, realize you haven’t been where I’ve been, so just don’t judge. OK?”
Let’s start with the back story. M had her first boyfriend when she was 15. He was two years older, and aside from that, he was a fine chap– volunteer First Responder, goal oriented, socially conscious, responsible, mature, and the best part-he didn’t pressure our young and innocent M for sex. They lasted over a year until his firefighting hormones got the best of him and he left her for an older girl.
Lurking in the shadows of this relationship was Matt, who besides being her best friend, also happened to be a guy. Who also happened to be in love with her. Matt gave M exactly 12 hours between her break up with Boyfriend #1 and sweeping her off her feet. Of course, as a parent, I realized this was not good, but I found myself giving in to the charms of Matt as well. Besides, they had been best friends, right?
We must pause a moment to describe Matt: 6’3”, abs of steel, blond hair, blue eyes, high cheekbones, star football player, funny and outgoing…you know the guy. The kind of guy most girls don’t say no to. But for some reason M had resisted his attention for three years, causing her to become The Girl He Couldn’t Get. Once she was free of Boyfriend #1, who happened to be his next door neighbor, he pulled out all the stops. Matt nominated and campaigned for M to be Homecoming Queen, all without her realizing it. They had quite a moment in the sun, with him scoring the winning touchdown and her as cheer captain, getting crowned at half-time. I don’t exaggerate when I say they were like kids in an 80’s movie.
So yea, Husband and I are not stupid and we knew it was only a matter of time before they were having sex. And hard as it was for Husband to watch his little girl grow up, he did say to me once out of M’s earshot, “Well, I’d rather her do it with Matt, who absolutely worships her, than with some shmuck at a frat house.”
This was my reaction: Condoms condoms condoms condoms condoms condoms condoms condoms condoms condoms.
Did you hear me? I said, “Condoms condoms condoms condoms condoms condoms condoms condoms condoms condoms.”
Well, that’s not exactly what I said, but I think that’s all they could hear. That and the time I said to Matt, “It’s a good thing you’ve got that job, because if you get M pregnant you’re going to have to pay for the abortion.” He looked at me in utter disbelief horror. M deadpanned, “She’s not kidding.”
Did you read Prosey’s piece? You should. It’s hilarious and it will serve to illustrate my next point.
You are never really ready to find out your kids are having sex.
A month or so goes by and I catch M crying in her room. She sputters into her phone that I am in the room, hangs up and I tell her I am not leaving until she tells me what’s wrong. After endless talking in circles, she says Matt is angry with her for not being honest with Husband and me. Looking back at this event, I can’t believe it took an hour for me to finally blurt out, “You’re having sex, aren’t you?” And she says yes, and she didn’t want me to know because I might think she is bad or something. She’s crying pretty hard now, and my head is reeling:
- I thought I was prepared to hear this. I wasn’t.
- I had never told our girls sex is bad. At least I didn’t think I did. I have only told them engaging in it sets you up for the possible outcome of STDs, pregnancy and heartache. Ok, so that makes it look kind of bad…But I remembered to say it was worth it, right? Isn’t that why I did all that condom talk?
- We are not religious people. I am so proud of fact I have been raising them without all the Bullshit Baggage of God Hates Sex. Why would she think I thought she was bad?
After she assures me they are using condoms properly, I talk to her about going to the doctor, and we part. I go to bed feeling a little better, but then I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold panic.
I sit up and realize why my head feels like scrambled eggs. I had forgotten the most important part. In my condoms condoms condoms speech I had been emphasizing the procreation aspect of sex. I forgot to make sure she knew about orgasms. I forgot to tell my children to “Know Thyself.”
The next day arrives and I am still panicking. Husband looks at me and just blinks his eyes like a deer in the headlights. I ask him what I should do, because talking to her about it feels too weird and awkward.
He says, “I’m not about to talk to her about it. This is your domain. We have it easy, remember? Pump-Pump-Squirt.”
So after I bitch at him for making light of this serious situation, I remember. We live in the 21st century! I have a Kindle! I can download a book, right now, on the spot, to do the work for me! Thankfully, my faith in Amazon was confirmed. I found a wonderful book, perfect for this situation. I Love Female Orgasm was written by a couple who gives lectures on sexual health to college students. I cannot stress enough how great this book is. And, oh, how I wish I had it when I was in college. (But that’s a post for another day.)
M received the book rather positively. (I think getting an eBook added to the cool factor.) I also gave her and Matt the phone number of the only female friend I have that I trust will answer questions positively and without an “it’s bad for girls to enjoy sex” attitude and I left it at that.
The difficult part is I have another daughter, 4 years younger, which means next time it’s gonna be my baby who tells me she’s doin’ it.
Looking back at this situation, I realize that as much as I think otherwise, even my parenting has been tainted by our society’s Dark Ages attitude about sex, especially concerning women and their needs. Even though I know that being a good mother of daughters means ensuring they grow up with healthy attitudes about their bodies, I don’t necessarily know how to send the message.
Epilogue: M and Matt broke up shortly after. M found him “just too needy.” <sigh>