Asking For It

Sunday there was an interesting segment on 60 minutes.  Entitled “The Case of Beckett Brennan,” the story was about a gang rape that occurred on the campus of the University of the Pacific.

The television was on in my bedroom.  I was on the computer working, Husband was relaxing and watching the show and my daughter, M, was sitting on my bed, texting, Facebooking and Twittering.  The story began to infiltrate my consciousness, and I turned my attention to the tv.  I had to repeat M’s name three times to remove the phonefog that surrounded her. 

Beckett Brennan got drunk, took a ride from three guys she knew, basketball players just like her, who took her back to their apartment and then proceeded to rape her one after another in a closet.

Here is a staggering fact from the segment: 95 percent of sexual assaults on US campuses are never reported. 

Here is a staggering fact from the evening:  My daughter, going to college herself in 5 months, says, “Well, she shouldn’t have gone with them.”

Yea, I blew my top.  First off, these were guys Brennan knew.  They were athletes just like her, in the very same sport.  Yes, she was admittedly drunk. But NO, DEAR DAUGHTER, A WOMAN NEVER DESERVES RAPE.  Ever.  I was truly astonished to hear this come out of her mouth.  My daughter.  Raised by me. Her-I-Am-Woman-Hear-Me-Roar-And-Don’t-You-EVER-Define-Yourself-By-Traditional-Roles Mother.

I don’t know how the line between my continual lessons of awareness and personal safety and “asking for it” got crossed.

I do know that my rants that night escalated to the point where Husband had to leave the room.  He said he got uncomfortable when I said, “You can be giving him a lap dance in a Victoria’s Secret lace thong, and that STILL doesn’t give him the right to put his dick in you if you don’t want it there.”

Oh my god. Parenting is so hard.

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About Brick Window

A mother and an atheist--Just trying to do the best I can in a suburb full of believers.
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7 Responses to Asking For It

  1. Jay says:

    Wow! I certainly don’t blame you for loosing your cool and what you said to your daughter at the end is totally correct. There is never, ever an excuse for rape.

    In your daughter’s defense, perhaps it is good that her first reaction was that the girl shouldn’t have gone with the boys. Maybe she is taking the safety first route. Of course, not having been there and not being able to hear her tone of voice, it is impossible for me to know what she really meant by her statement.

    Either way, your point is something that can never be said enough. And yes, parenting is so very hard. I had an issue with my son that I’ll be writing about soon that drove that point home today.

    • Brick Window says:

      Looking forward to reading it…

      Yea, I am glad for her sake that she realizes not to put herself in a compromising position, which is mostly to be really drunk and rideless. But still, I worry M is buying into the message that women who flirt, or dress “slutty” or get drunk, or ride in a car with three guys “deserves” it. I told her, “A penis is not a missile that can’t be stopped. It’s a body part. Men CAN and SHOULD control themselves.” I could tell she was uneasy, but I have a feeling her very promiscuous former boyfriend told her otherwise. Often.

  2. fribnit says:

    It is really simple. No mean NO. You may not do it, what ever IT is. An intoxicated person cannot consent. Implied NO.

    I saw that story as well. I was infuriated that no CRIMINAL charges were brought, that it went through the school judicial system. That Is INANE.

    And the young woman, poor judgement or not, is the one paying the price for the barbarism of her friends and the societal insanity at her school.

  3. Denise says:

    Don’t sweat her response too much.

    Will explain later.

    I have thoughts on this…based on my children’s responses (and my reactions) to similar stories. I’m just not in the correct frame to write them out right now (and my real-time reaction was awful). lol

  4. Pingback: A Parent’s Fears « Parenting, Relationships, Love, and Sex.

  5. Nit Picker says:

    Maybe you’re being too sensitive. I don’t think “she shouldn’t have gone with them” is an endorsement of rape. Maybe it’s just a practical comment.

    You could say the same about someone who was robbed and left for dead after hitchhiking. Saying that something is a bad idea is not the same as saying that whatever happens as a result is justified. “You should’ve been more careful” doesn’t equate with “it was OK for someone else to harm you.”

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